ConfessionsOfATechDad

Hello with the best of intentions.

In order for you to get better at something, you're going to have to practice the task. There's currently no other way to build that muscle memory and intuition into a human that I'm aware of, and there's no sure way to guarantee you even become particularly proficient when you do.

For this reason, when you typically try to set out and become a master, you should be learning from somebody who knows what they're doing and is going to be able to show you how to do things properly. Sometimes, you'll have to pay for this, but in trying to avoid that, sometimes you'll end up paying for it dearly, which might be worse, depending on how you keep score. Have done something isn't really proof to me of having done something right, and so trusting parents and people around you for advice may give you quite the sting.

Finding something to chase that interests you enough to invest practice into is another quest. You're going to have to be trying, experimenting, coming, going, showing, and never knowing what sticks. I guess this is part of the allure of parenting, even when they don't like your things.

Discuss...

The year is gone but I don't feel any better about it. My world has shrunk, and hers only grows. I begin to show resentment, lose my temper, and force my way through situations; this is probably a bad thing. I recognize my limits, but can't do anything to stay within them. Trying to keep any expectation, timeline, or remanence of order is just asking to make myself angry; in this dimension I am weak. But this is her week; fly in mommy, fit the dress, arrange the cake, hang the decor, sing the songs, blow the candles, and fuss around late night.

She's not walking yet, and that makes me sad, but that doesn't seem like something I can force. She's not talking yet, and that makes me worry, but that is something I can continue to work on in giving her every word I can.

She's great... I want her never to change but to grow up as fast as possible, for my sake. Teach me patience, or I won't last another year.

Discuss...

Nine, or three quarters

Feels so quick for you, or so long for me, but I'm tired either way. Although things aren't progressing as quick as I'd like, and I did my best to make things move along as quickly as I could, but there's a lot left to do, and there's a lot fun left undone because I've already compromised on you.

I want to be stern, I want to be firm; I want to be a father figure. There are sounds you make, voices you cry, and real tears to wipe away when I can't seem to figure things out.

You're learning to be a little more expressive and a little more demanding, but communication lines are still thin. Complexity has to be managed, and context has to be gleaned from grunts, squeals, and whines that make me wish you were a little more mobile so I could guide you to help me help you a bit faster.

I've almost died, twice, now and so I know that won't keep me from doing my best, but I do feel that my best is now less than it would have been. I want to take you everywhere and let you see everything, but limitations hit me for time and money; work beckons every morning and has me racing back at night. The decision has been made to ditch SD and move back to SF, but that only makes this feeling more intense. The budget for my health, wealth, and future has been wiped out.

My anger still comes and goes in spurts, but I've also had the last three months to spend time with two women in my life that I'll never forget. For that, I'm forever grateful.

Look this way, little girl, and don't be angry with me.

Discuss...

[Some Setup and Adjustments Needed to Optimize Utility]

Being able to find help offloading the baby during normal hours will determine the type of thinking and lifestyle you'll be able to live.

If you nominate somebody that lives in and can take responsibility 24/7, this is a different lifestyle in that you always feel you have access to the children's lives but you have a keep-out zone left to yourself during the day.

Finding somebody just during business hours allows you to fuss around in the mornings and live a different routine at sunup to nap time. Magically, you reappear in the evenings, and your work/life balance has tipped heavily in one direction. The day allows you to give a full effort and compete with hustle and bustle of corporate or social life. The evenings are split into multi-tasking and then relationship support.

Finding nobody means you're fussing around together with a baby during the day. Working remotely, it's beneficial to get a time zone that lines up with meetings, nap times, and takes advantage of your baby's regular sleep schedule. Going at it with the baby hard every day yields serious naps that you could set your clock to. If you sacrifice some sleep, you can continue to hit up all the update and status meetings, present slides in what looks like an office, and setup your own remote lab because, well, this is technology and it's relatively accessible and cool. You work in 1hr spurts and balance conference calls with training programs to fill the gaps. You have two head sets because one needs to charge while you run down the other. You have the weekend for deep work, time permitting. It's tiring.

Taking either of these path's hard will get you tired. I can imagine tacking on a second baby, additional financial burdens, bad luck, and a health incident; it could even get stressful.

The right partner, the right mindset, and the right lifestyle are critical in being able to balance your ability to keep up with non-familial demands and familial luxuries. If you're doing it right, you're going to get tired, but you're going to try to have it all.

Why not.

Discuss...

One Hundred Days... (Party Time Is Any Time You Want to Open Your Eyes)

The changes happening after her second power of ten (10^2 days) were quite a bit more demanding than I had expected, and really required a lot more time and effort than I had prepared.

Because the baby's brain is finally growing in, you've got to be a bit more deliberate and careful in your manners and habits to make sure you're making the right impression in this stage. Compound this with the abundance of energy she brings the minute she opens her eyes, all the way to when you're trying to convince her to close them, and I was worn down real quick in this stage.

The external state of the world wasn't exactly helping me out, either. There was a baby formula shortage where both brands we'd worked out for her preference were discontinued... at the same time. We had a stockpile to last for a bit, but because she was eating more and more, the time limit on that pile was a lot shorter than I expected. Currently, I'm still scrambling to pick up onsie-twosie containers of formula whenever they come up in stock near me so I can maximize the time on the stuff I know she eats well and figure out how to switch her over to something new. She's also started eating solid food as well, and I'll probably have a post about that in the future, but formula is still the main source of eats, and girl, does she EAT.

Originally, we'd expected her to land somewhere in between the mom and I with respect to size and personality. Personality wise, I'm finding her closer to the mom, but size wise, it does appear she's entered chonker status and is following me... I guess you can't win em all. Doctors are telling me not to worry as she's quite young, but compared to these other babies we're seeing around the same age, she is growing fast. So fast that we've said goodbye ahead of schedule to a nice stock of clothes we had expected to last a few month. Fortunately, baby clothes aren't too pricey and I'm OK buying a little bigger and waiting for her to fill them up. She seems OK with this approach, too.

Routines, again, were key in managing to keep up with her energy and growth. She's kicking me awake by 6AM on the daily and kicking herself to sleep by 8PM, so having stuff to do in between those hours that doesn't take too much brain power is going to help. Morning walks have helped me keep up with the news, her to keep up with the birds and flowers, and allow me to spend some adventure time with her before I run off to work.

You'll also start to see the babies senses kick in, and she's now more aware of smells, taste, sounds, and sensations in general that she actively hunts for them. She'll let you know when she's bored, hungry, happy, or scared. It's not quite 'communication' yet, as it really appears one way (good luck if you can get your baby to listen to you at this age), but it does make you feel inadequate when you can't keep up. All the easy things you used to do don't cut it anymore, and the baby wants more. This will be something I actively continue to struggle with because I have this nagging suspicion I'm compromising her development by not pushing her to do more stuff.

Finally, I wanted to wrap this post up by making a small comment on family. The past 5 months have really taught me about differences in cultural approaches to family, and individual approaches to family that make me appreciate mine more than ever. I don't think any of my kin are experts, superstars, or even competent in an above average grade for what they do, but what I do know is that I'd never think twice about them short changing me, leaving me out to dry, or taking liberties with my trust; there's an understanding between us that your word is your bond, and that you're nothing without this integrity present. That silent and unspoken threat of shame and human dignity has been enough to keep us inline... but this really appears to be an uncommon and unshared value in America. Maybe it'll be something I get into later, but without that internal sense of pride and shame (which can go awry if led in the wrong direction), I can't work with people beyond legal and contractual terms because I don't want to work with people who are only bound by those terms.

Hopefully, this is something I can teach her growing up, as it is a dying quality in this country. Take a good look at yourself, girl. You're doing great, and keep up the good work.

Discuss...

Day 50

Embrace The Energy

The first seven weeks contain a mix of energy and different types of excitement when bringing up our girl.

There's the process of learning something new; procedures, processes, practicalities of taking care of the baby in the modern sense and way of doing things split between whoever's in the house.

I had taken the time to read a few books, so I felt I wouldn't be useless and could identify and execute on basics while figuring out the subtleties. While staying in the hospital, the digital guide had videos we had to watch if we wanted to access any of the public programming, and these videos were a checklist that covered basic baby care. I'm certain my wife was not entirely focused or conscious while I played them, but at least I did get a first hand view of some of the basics in baby manipulation and maintenance. In the hospital care process, as well, there were multiple opportunities where the nurses guided and showed us how to do basic baby tasks like diaper changing, feeding, bathing, and swaddling. Emphasis was on not killing the baby, but not showing you what was 'correct' or 'not allowed', just what was necessary to survive.

My approach had been to cycle through a basic state machine of baby status and have each state associated with an active pattern of handling the baby, proceeding towards checking that baby state, and then when to hand off to another state and mark this one as checked while wrapping up any mess you've made as a result. In this way, you can always guarantee that the baby is fed, clean, lonely, or rested; I had marked the priority in that order.

Developing a flow and partner 'mingling' technique is something you should definitely be looking to do with your partner. There can be a lot of jealousy, overlapping, smothering care, mis-intentioned care or uncommunicated actions that could cause friction if you are not working them out and aware of them with your partner. In my case, I could not always compete with the soothing ability of my wife, but giving me time and allowing for me to comfort the baby made future progress exponentially better while increasing the short term sufferage slightly above the normal. In allowing the baby to grow used to, and to develop a means to bond to, my parenting style and cycling of her needs, I felt that she began to communicate via bodily reaction at each state of the state checking such that I could arrive at the correct answer on the corrective action to remedy. Compare this to, whereas, my wife just swooped in and went for the direct guess of the situation; so that was a very big difference that had her interrupting or infringing on my process, but a step that I should have been much more than happy to oblige in. So staying calm and yielding as much as possible does keep things healthier in my observation; there's a different instinct among the parents and maybe trying not to extinguish one, or prefer the other, allows for a better balanced temperament of the child.

Although deference and concessions should be communicated as it happens, establishing overlapping fields of care and responsibility so that you feel you've always got the baby covered in time and space is important enough such that 1 person is always on the hot plate (DRI, if you will) and another is a back up, passively aware of the thing while the main is taking care. During the day this can be worked out on the fly based on schedule, routine, and daily activity, but during the night one person will have to sacrifice their sleep so that the other rests well. I found that this situation maximized the benefits and health of our relationship.

The baby only appears to eat enough to keep from waking up roughly half way through the night. She'll start with a smooth fuss, and then graduate to a roaring wail in demand of sustenance to quench her hunger. Totally unreasonable, the baby has no concept that warming up breastmilk takes time, trying to clean / fix the Brezza without blasting on the overhead lights with 1 hand is a delicate matter, and that her fussing, struggling, and kicking while I get things ready or before the reapplication of a swaddling is not helping the process. If one person just masters this capability, and if you properly top off the baby just before midnight, you can take care of the hunger, burp the baby, and then clean the dishes, prepare breakfast, package lunch, put together a shopping list, prepare the trash and recycling, catch up on news, and then whisk the baby back to the basinet all before and hour is passed. The downside is that you will miss out on that deep and some REM sleep cycles. This will definitely make you feel slightly different, emotionally, and pass the day with a different state of mind. For me, getting frustrated was a bit easier, and there were some other side effects with tiredness, lack of appetite, lack of energy, and I did not make up for a full 6-8hrs straight through at any other time, I ended up going the full 50 days with the baby driven interruption in the middle between 2-4AM. Maybe a nap would have helped, too, but while the baby's around, I don't think there was time for that without deferring responsibility to someone else. Unless you pay for it, I don't think a single parent can get that respite of deep sleep, sadly....it can definitely have negative affects on the mind and baby if you're not able to be nice by default during the waking hours.

Routine in our diet and schedules was critical to being able to allocate time for the baby's life and then to accomplish what we'd wanted to do in our daily lives. My spouse was keen on taking advantage of delivery services and online retailers but, to me, that does suck a bit of the soul and fun out of capitalism... I do enjoy my bit of sustenance shopping. Unfortunately, I was not able to convince her to help me drag baby along for the grocery runs inside the stores, so those were done with baby in the car with one of us or during return trips from my exercises. Simple meals are nice, however, my new pair of princesses appear to demand quite a bit more of me than I had thought they'd ask for, and so meal prep does take a bit of more time out of my day in it's current form. Soups, curries, stir fries, pancakes, sandwiches, and rice cake stews frequent our table as I try to make sure we're well nourished, well distracted, and taking the time to try and make it all happen.

On that topic of time, I would not have been able to do this without the parental leave afforded by the company and state of California. The first 7 weeks are typically all that are included, but I will be applying some vacation time to extend this trip past those first 50 days. The first 50 days are a test of survival, delegation, and adaptation to the reality of this loud ball of fuss now under your care. Getting her to thrive, smile, and start developing a sense of the world would be all you get to see. There's a different sense of energy in learning to see and let the friendly flow of behaviour take control and unroll itself before you. I take care to make sure that things are always safe, but I continue to laugh when people are not happy with the speed. By learning not to fight that energy and flow, you'll be happier about the process of being a baby caregiver to the baby.

And you'll sing better lullabies, too.

But for all this work and learning, all you're given is a nice, round, milestone marker that you have to count off on the calendar and an outfit you can slap on her. Oh, and, of course, those first 50 days of memories nobody else will probably remember; those are yours.

Discuss...

Day 1 I'm starting this blog as a repository for some live learnings, future debates, ongoing discussions, and internal musings. Having lived and worked a fairly mundane life crossing over the North American continent to work in California, I've seen things... and I'd like to discuss them.

The main focus will be to track the growth of my family going forward in ways that reflect on my opinions as the man I am today. Occasionally, I'll pivot into some reflections on the zeitgeist, or some really neat and wonderful technology that requires some additional analysis, but I am guessing the majority of updates will focus around my life in getting to this point and things I end up doing in the future.

I also think that I want to use this space to talk about a bunch of quantitative topics in detail, and spit out some spread sheets, layout some numbers, and layout the approximate numbers of my life and what they look like. I don't see this discussed enough and feel that financial, probability, and the risk-to-reward strategies should be something people feel more comfortable doing.

Finally, while I have no expectations of being able to make money off this, if that should happen to happen, who would I be to stand in the way of that kind of thing, but I don't see myself stooping to the level of a 'shill' to clutter what is an otherwise elegant platform with advertisements.

Hello World. Discuss...

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